Packin' Heat

In training

My daughter carries a wristlet.

Seriously.  A wristlet!  Have I failed as a mother?

A wristlet is not a small revolver.  It’s a “purse,” or a purse substitute.  It must have been invented by some subversive who thrives on human failure and starving children.  Real moms carry purses.  Big purses.  They are packin’ heat!  Real moms with big purses come to the showdown to win!

The most epic purse-toting mom of all time was portrayed in the film One Fine Day starring Michelle Pfeiffer as a single working mother named Melanie Parker.  Now that woman had the heat!  She once arrived at her son’s child care center to find that it was a special occasion and all of the children were in costume.  Melanie Parker rifled through her bag and BAM! She put together a full costume for her son.  You go, girl! That’s what I’m talkin’ about!

A friend of mine with an aching shoulder paid a visit to her family doctor.  He criticized the size and weight of her purse and suggested that she not carry such a heavy bag.  As I see it, the purse is weight training.  A mom never knows when she might have to throw a small human being over her shoulder in a life-saving rescue.

I’ve always said that men don’t carry purses because women do.  Have you ever noticed that those who travel light are always asking purse-carrying mamas, “Can you put this in your purse?” or asking “Do you happen to have_____?  You can fill in the blank.

Do you really believe that Amazon invented same day delivery?  Give me a break! Purse-toting moms can deliver in minutes. Hungry?  Thirsty?  Forgot your soccer socks?  Is there a bill that needs paid?  Dry cleaning to pick up?  Just look in mom’s bag.

My mom was an Olympian in the big, heavy purse game.  One year for Mother’s Day, my sister found the perfect card.  Right on the front it said, “The bigger the purse, the better the mother!”  Mom hung that up right next to the framed quote that said, “Most of the world’s important work was done by tired people.”  You got it all covered, Mom!

I can hear that old jump rope rhyme in my head right now-- “In came the doctor, in came the nurse, in came the lady with the alligator purse.”  Clearly, purses are important and vital to our health.  They may weigh us down, but they hold our worlds up!

My motto is—More purses, less guns.

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