Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

I know that Valentine’s Day is the absolute worst day to bring this up, but it must be said:  not everyone in a long-term relationship is happy.  Breaking up can be hard to do, and a bad break-up can haunt the initiator for years. Sometimes regret leads to attempts to reconcile causing even more guilt for the lies told to re-instate the relationship.

These types of break-ups happen more frequently than anyone knows and they remain a taboo subject among women.  No woman wants her friends to think less of her, especially when it was friends that suggested the match-up in the first place.  Whose side will they take?

Just yesterday I met a good friend for brunch.  After we ordered, Ellen slid down in her seat and leaned forward.  Her eyes scanned the restaurant for anyone familiar, and then she whispered, “I am thinking of ending my relationship.”  I wasn’t surprised.  I had heard her voice disappointments in the past, enough to know that this might be coming.

“Things are okay, but I am just not that happy.  I’ve tried to hang in there and even suggested some changes, but nothing ever really changes.  I just don’t think it’s possible to get what I want out of this relationship, but I’ve been in it for so long, I just don’t know where to turn.  And will it be better if I do leave?  Will I ever find someone else who gets what I want? Might it be worse?  Oh, geez, do I even really know what I want?”  Ellen showed me clippings from magazines she had been reading to help her make up her mind about what to do next.

I studied the clippings trying to get a feel for what she does want, and I nodded in sympathy.  I had heard a very similar story a few months before from my friend Grace.  In her case, she had already made the break but continued to feel uneasy about going public with the news.  Grace was already in a happy new relationship but she worried constantly about running into her ex.  Grace had never really explained why she was leaving; she just left for someone else.  Even her closest friends only learned the news when they began complimenting Grace on how great she looked.  Grace gave all the credit to her new relationship.

Maybe it’s because we are all getting older.  Stability seems important.  Is it just too late to change?  What will people think of us?  And we really don’t want to hurt anyone; we just want to be happy, to feel attractive again.  What if we never find someone else and we have to go it alone? That seems impossible.  Most of us aren’t prepared for what it would take to go it alone.  We fear the humiliating damage we might do to ourselves.

I live in a large urban community with plenty of options.  You would think it wouldn’t be that hard to find the right hairstylist, but it’s just not that easy.  And we do get attached.  After all, these are people who have seen our hair naked and without color.  They have been intimate with our roots, and they can make us squeal with delight when we look in the mirror.  Our tresses may no longer flow, and we may have even give up on the pursuit of love, but no woman I know gives up on her hair.
 

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