Left of Center

A few weeks ago my son and I drove past a billboard promoting a mind-body expo at our city’s convention center.  “That’s my worst nightmare,” my son said.  “All those people finding their centers at the same time.” 

I laughed out loud at my son’s words and at the image that came to my mind:  hundreds of peace-and-self-love seekers rushing toward the convention center in bumper-to-bumper traffic, all trying to find a place to park for the day at a cost that won’t require a second mortgage.  Once inside, they breathe in the smell of incense and the blend of body odors that can only be experienced in shoulder-to-shoulder crowds.  They then push their way through the hordes while walking on tip-toes with their necks hyper-extended so that they can see the signs that will direct them to the must-see lectures or exhibits that will fulfill the promise of finding their missing centers.

We live in a time when it seems everything is taken to extremes.

I do believe in the power of mindfulness, and I do try to practice many of the techniques.  I find it especially helpful when I am inside an MRI machine or in the dentist’s chair. Whenever I am afraid or anxious, I rely upon a mantra that always calms me:  There is nowhere you can go that God is not already there.  It reminds me that I am not alone and that help is within reach.

But the mindfulness craze reminds me of some of the other movements that came before it.  In the 1980s the term co-dependence emerged in the recovery movement.  Too much focus on others and too much self-sacrifice can make us sick the movement told us.  We are not responsible for the feelings of others the movement’s leaders preached.  It is probably true that most of us have experienced situations or relationships in which we’ve tried too hard and become less of a person by trying to make someone else more of one--to no avail.  But co-dependence morphed into a belief that caring for others was a sign of mental illness in the caregiver, and that caring about the feelings of another or putting someone else’s feelings before our own was sick.  Every caregiving relationship, every act of self-sacrifice became suspect.  Enter the current epidemic of loneliness and the disregard for the impact of our words and actions.
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The self-esteem movement emerged on the coattails of co-dependence. Self-esteem was to be the cure for all that ailed us.  In mental health centers everywhere, every patient had the goal of improving self-esteem.  If only each person had a good self-esteem we could bring an end to mental health problems. In the classroom, if every child could be given good self-esteem, why they could all be successful. Forty years later, I can see that, taken to its extreme, the self-esteem movement ushered in the current age of narcissism.

What strikes me now about all of these movements is how often the word self is used to describe the movement or the process.  It seems the more we focus on the self, the worse things get.

An antidote comes to mind in another image from the past.  It was also in the 1980s that I attended a conference for child development professionals. Dr. David Elkind, a child psychologist from Tufts University, was one of the speakers.  In our small group workshop, Dr. Elkind addressed the issue of self-esteem.  He said, “My parents didn’t care about my self-esteem.  They wouldn’t have known to.  But what was always clear to me was that everything they did was for me.”  I recall how moved I was by Dr. Elkind’s words and by the fierce certainty in his eyes that he was loved.  I am moved again at this very moment by the recollection.

The self does not develop in isolation.  When harmed, it does not heal in isolation.  Belonging is essential to our human existence.  It makes mastery, independence, and generosity possible. 

Things have a way of going left of center.  On this Good Friday, I think of Dr. David Elkind’s words and the importance of this day on the Christian calendar.  Whether you believe in Jesus or just see the Bible as an ancient book of fables, the moral of the story is this:  You were born loved.  Everything He did was for you.  Live loved.  And love one another. 
 
 

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