Off the Hook and On the Menu

I finally bowed to the g force and got a new phone, but no matter how beautiful or capable the phone it does not change what’s on the menu.

I had my fresh and fancy 5g phone on board the day I passed a man who had pulled his car into the center lane of a busy four lane highway.  He was on the ground next to his vehicle and appeared to be looking underneath, perhaps to identify a problem or to fix one.  “Good, Lord,” I said and began praying
out loud as it seemed probable that the man would be killed
or cause a terrible accident in this very busy high-speed,
high-access zone.

I pulled over at the first opportunity and dialed the non-emergency number of the nearest police station to see if assistance or safety could be offered to the man with the disabled vehicle.  To my surprise and consternation, I discovered that the rascals who invented the phone menu had infiltrated the police department.  A lengthy menu of dialing options was offered.  After about ten minutes, I gave up on getting help, but curious, I pressed 4 to complete my peace officer training while I waited.  When I realized the amount of time that had passed, I figured the man on the road had likely gotten on his way or was dead at the scene.  Either way, my Good Samaritan efforts were pointless, and I had had enough time to reconsider a second career in law enforcement.  I hung up just before the exam.

I now feel the need to swallow some nitroglycerin every time I hear the words:  “Please listen carefully to the following as our menu options have recently changed.”

Those words offend my moral senses.  It should be against the law to lie to the public so flagrantly and so frequently.  Do they take the dialing public for fools?  I want to call them out on this and scream into the phone, “Liars!” I know the menu has not changed.  They are just trying to prevent people from immediately dialing 0 or saying “speak to a representative” or getting any satisfaction whatsoever. 

By now, we all know there is no representative, no one is listening, no one cares, and the strategy is to discourage people and keep them from calling.  The phone number itself is a ruse. 

Here’s what the truth might sound like:

• “Thank you for calling, but there is no one to take your call.  There never was and there never will be, but if it makes you feel better, please listen to the following options.”
• “No one is listening, and there is no representative, so you can stop saying ‘speak to a representative’ at any time.
• “To be reminded that there is no representative, dial 1 now.”
• “When you can’t take it any longer, dial 9-1-1 or go to the nearest emergency room.”
• “Please hold that thought until it doesn’t matter to you any longer.”
• “If you are an optimist, press 2.  Otherwise, hang up and try your call again later.  Nothing will change except your faith in humanity."
• “All operators are busy.  You can try calling again, but the operators will always be busy.  They have lives as opposed to people who try to contact customer service.”

What’s on the phone menu?  Frustration and despair seasoned by outrage.

I don’t care much for the entrées, but please may I see the whine list?
               
    

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