A Small Update (Walter Mitty Style)

Well, I have a small update.

Just this morning my petite neighbor called to tell me that while she was monitoring the self-checkout stations at her current job this week, she was offered three different new jobs by three different customers. I have no doubt in my mind that, in addition to being beautiful and petite, my neighbor is also friendly, hardworking.  And petite.

The only offer I received this week was from a burly, unshaven man coming out of a restroom in my local convenience store.  I happened to notice him because he was wearing tactical gear and mumbling into his shirt collar.  He asked me if I’d like to be a human shield.  Apparently, I am the right size to conceal a military target.  And I look disposable.

I did feel flattered to be noticed since most people don’t see me at all, and this attention despite the fact the guy was wearing an eye patch!  The job did sound noble.  And short term.  But I wasn’t in the mood. I am still getting the hang of retirement, and I am too easily frustrated to obtain the right documents to travel internationally.

Being invisible may be a superpower in some circles, but I don’t know if it is the best resume for a human shield.  Perhaps he thought that eventually I might have potential in the spy trade though that is unlikely.  If he really did see me, it would have been apparent that I am no Mata Hari.  Though tall, she was extremely beautiful and disguised herself as an exotic Asian dancer.  Not a good cover for someone with so much to cover.  And I am not much into stealing—secrets or otherwise. I don’t think I could ever live a double life.  I have enough trouble managing one, and sometimes I can’t remember the name on my official state ID.

Even if I could overcome these spy deficits and unleash my superpowers, my kryptonite is that I can’t seem to hide my incredulity at the things people say and do.  In the spy business, perpetual astonishment would be a dead give-away, and I would be the one dead.

Speed and elusiveness are vital traits in the world of espionage, but as you can tell, I also tend to perseverate which makes it hard to move on. I am baffled as well as fascinated by the irony that being smaller can make a woman larger in the eyes of others.  Or maybe I am downright incredulous.  In any case, I am as stuck as those last 3 inches and 25 pounds.

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